My Hygge-Day Cart

 One of the issues with EDS or any chronic disease, is the finite energy we have in a day. Getting dressed takes energy. Making meals takes energy. Getting in & out of a bath takes energy. And unlike a normal person, my energy is acutely limited. Some days I have a little more, and that's when chores get done. Other days I stay in my PJs and do little more than plan the next week's menus and make appointments. There is an amazing article that describes this energy juggling perfectly, RIGHT HERE.

Counting spoons is mentally exhausting. After decades of counting I tend to have a good idea how many spoons I have for the day by lunchtime, but things still happen. Some days I just need to get things done and "steal" my spoons from the next day, and as my body continues it's slow downward spiral I am spending more days than I'd like to admit, confined to the sofa. 

These down days, when even getting dressed takes more energy than I can manage, I try to think of as hygge days. Hygge is described as "a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being." So rather than feeling sorry for myself, I enjoy quiet activities that give me something to look forward to, rather than dreading my enforced days of rest.

To keep many of the things I'll want on hygge days at hand, I have put together a pretty little rolling cart that can travel from bedside, to sofa, to reading chair. As my needs change I'll need to update what's on my cart, but for now it's streamlined towards being able to get a few things done, and quiet restful activities I can do when my arthritis/pain/migraine/tummy/lack of energy is in full grumpiness.

On the top shelf is: my journal Bible, my current devotional books, my current recreational reading, and my journal.

I also have a small caddy for my planner and planner stickers, various pens, pencils, and Crayola Twistables, and sticky notes.

There are also my reading glasses, a microwaveable lavender-stuffed heated owl stuffie, my tea "sippy cup," (unbreakable and spill-resistant) ginger mints, lemon drops, and a pair of LED candles.

The middle shelf holds my colored pencils and brush markers, and hand lotion. I also have my new watercolor pencils, a set of coloring books, and the family binder here.

The family binder is where I keep to-do lists, shopping lists, weekly menus, cleaning schedules, holiday ideas... I like to think of it as my portable brain, because if it needs to get done or is a project in the works that requires more room than my tiny portable planner, it's in the binder.

The middle shelf also holds three small canisters, and in these are: my Gelatos, washi tape, pencil lead & sharpener, eraser & scissors, lip balm, inhaler, and my tablet's charging cord.

The bottom shelf holds a super soft throw blanket, my neck pillow, two pair of fat fluffy socks, and an itty bitty pushpin board I can use as a portable war room.

The war room still exists within the master bedroom closet, but that is slowly becoming a sound studio for my daughter. I am also finding that I do most of my praying first thing in the morning before she's awake, and don't want to wake her up rustling about. So this tiny pinboard now holds my current prayers wherever I am, rather than stuck to the wall in the closet. I've even brought it out to pray in the garden a few times!

As my needs change, I will need to update what's on my cart. There will likely come a day when it holds more medical supplies than coloring utensils. But for now, this is everything I need to keep from going stir-crazy, while learning not to resent spending the time my body needs to rest and heal itself.

One Year Ago Today

 

One year ago today I slept in my bed, safe for the first time in over 25 years. One year ago today, my husband moved out of our home.

 

I never wanted this anniversary. Christian women are supposed to be eternally forgiving. We are supposed to be ridding ourselves from the log in our own eye rather than pointing out the speck in our husband's eye. We vow for better AND WORSE, and we vow until death. 

The Bible doesn't say what to do if the person you vowed to spend your entire life with constantly uses you and your body for their wants while blatantly trampling on your own needs and health. It says to pray for those who persecute you. It says to forgive seventy-times-seven times. It says to love unconditionally. And to the best of my ability, that is what I did for decades, constantly re-forgiving and refusing to complain lest I become the quarrelsome wife so hideously described throughout Proverbs.

 

When you've counted to 490 (that's 70x7, thanks VeggieTales!) literally thousands of times, when you've begged and pleaded for basic needs like clothing and medical care, when the only thing keeping you from being attacked in your bed is becoming a monster yourself and physically threatening another human being, and when you've hidden behind the closet door that is still broken from the first time you dared to say NO and were violently attacked while still healing from childbirth... when you've done all this, continually praying and self-searching for what you did to cause these things to happen, doing anything you can to prevent it from happening again, and begging simply for the abuse to stop... after decades of being abused while not saying a word to anyone for fear of slandering the one who is abusing you, something finally snaps. 

 

I married a narcissist. Out of survival and trauma-bonding, I learned codependency. For decades I stayed silent - and even lied about my happiness & safety - while praying that my husband would become who he vowed to be, and not wanting to damage his reputation. But I am tired of trying to heal on my own, and cannot heal without sharing. So this is the tiniest portion of my story. It is mine to share.

 

For 25 years I poured my heart, soul, time, attention, and love into someone who only cared about their own wants. 

 

For 21 years I was not allowed access to finances while my name was on bills that went unpaid, and I was lied to whenever I asked about anything concerning money. 

 

For 20 years I begged, pleaded, nagged, and yelled for him to speak with his daughter - to form a basic relationship with the human being he helped to create. 

 

For 11 years I slept on the couch, to keep from being violated while I slept. 

 

For 10 years we lived without health insurance more often than we had it, incapable of being seen for our life-threatening health issues, because financial irresponsibility, secrecy, and lies were more important than basic decency. Not once or twice, but THREE TIMES while being told there was no money to clear our medical bills so we could be seen at the clinic, my husband purchased a vehicle for his sole use. 

 

For 5 years I sought help from multiple outside sources. 

 

After all this, I offered one final plea. Get help to stop hurting your wife, speak with your daughter, and stop lying. If these three basic human needs are not fulfilled, I would leave. I waited an entire year, still praying for change and to save my vows. Literally nothing happened. The day he moved out, he lied to me. He still has not had a single conversation with his 21 year old daughter, and only knows the most basic of details about his 25 year old son. 

On our 25th anniversary, I sought help from a crisis center. Two months later, he moved out. Fourteen months later our divorce is still not finalized, because COVID has slowed the court systems to a halt. But my healing has begun.

Thanks to COVID I have had a year to try and heal on my own, while counselors and therapists could not take on new patients. I can train myself to recognize what happened and how I missed the warning signs. I can unlearn codependency.... and some day, I may forgive myself for allowing a quarter-century of abuse rather than breaking a vow that had already been shattered. I am not there yet. 

 

This is my story. 

 

It is mine to share. It is not finished. But there will be a happy ending, someday. 

 

A Narnian New Year

Something I have wanted to do for years now, is celebrate a Narnian New Year... where everything is snowy white, glistening with glitter and just a touch of childlike wonder. After the decade that was 2020, it seemed right to begin this adventure in 2021.

Because of COVID scheduling issues, getting our kitten neutered happened JUST before Christmas. And because we tried two types of E-collars and he flopped about like an alligator in a death-roll with one, and was choking himself on the other... we felt it wisest to simply stay with him 24/7 and keep him from licking his surgical site ourselves. So the three of us have spent nearly two weeks now taking day and nighttime shifts closed off in a single bedroom, stripped of everything climbable or that could be hidden underneath/behind. 

How bad can two weeks of shift-sleeping be, we asked ourselves? The answer is:

PRETTY

DARN

BAD!

We are all exhausted. We opened our Christmas gifts quickly while taking turns holding a wriggling kitten still doped on kitty-morphine, and as of today we still have three more nights of sleeplessness ahead of us... NOW spent with a kitty who has been fully awake and aware that he is incarcerated against his will in a room of nothing-fun-to-do, and is grumpily trying to escape whenever he gets the chance. Monday can NOT come soon enough for us! We're ALL ready to put our rooms and lives back together, and get a full night's sleep! 

Between Berlioz needing constant supervision and the fact that my son worked both NYE and New Year's Day... we decided to postpone our annual game & movie all-nighter until next week. We have white foods and treats planned, and a small stack of games ready... but we're waiting until we can actually enjoy the evening all together. 

For decorations, we started by putting all wintry-white ornaments on our Christmas tree with seven glittery lions, and bringing two LED-birch trees out from the girls' bedroom where they were being used as ambient lighting. 

We kept our Christmas wreath on the front door, and hung giant sparkling snowflakes from a white garland along the ceiling between the living room and kitchen/dining room.   

 An all-white bird from Target's seemingly endless supply of seasonal bird figurines and a pair of decorative window-frames stand in the alcove between the kitchen and dining room.

For the dining room table, we took our white lantern and filled it with acrylic "ice" and two tiny Waldorf dolls my sister made for me nearly two decades ago. 

And atop the console by the front door, we placed a family of white deer and a pair of white felt trees. 

The only complicated part, was deciding what to do about a lamp post. Purchasing one may happen in the future, but for this year to save money I decided to make one with what I had on hand. 

With a leftover sheet of foamboard, plenty of glitter, a bit of parchment paper, and several hours with a ruler, craft blade, and hot glue I managed to create a lamp post lampshade for the turquoise table lamp near the front door. 

2020 was insane. Our New Year's celebration is on hold, and we are all in need of a proper night's sleep. But our house is glistening, and does look just a bit Narnian. 

The winter of 2020 is ending. 

Spring is coming.

Our Atomic Christmas Decorations

Last winter the kids and I began an adventure redecorating the house. Instead of the dark warm colors that my husband preferred, I told the kids I would go along with anything they could agree on... and they chose atomic midcentury. So this neutral-loving mama is now living in the brightest shades of turquoise, lime, and tangerine possible. It's bright and airy in here, and looks nothing like it did a year ago. 

In keeping with our "new house" we have altered our holiday decorations to match. Which means that for Christmas we are steering clear of the traditional reds and greens, and going for ultra-bright teals and lime green instead.

For our tree we went back and forth between a white or tinsel tree... but decided on white in the end. I love the way it's not so big as to take over the living room, but not so small that it disappears. The tree skirt was handmade from fleece and pompom trim, and really helps bring out the bright colors we were looking for. 

At the front door we chose a simple white wreath. I haven't decided whether to add some bright color or not, so for now it will stay simple. A few bright ornaments MIGHT find their way onto this eventually, but I'm still undecided. 

There's always next year! 

 

 

 

 

 This sweet singing yeti has been a part of our Christmas decorations for a few years now... and the pail of smiling snowballs has been in our home since the kids were young. Indoor snowball fights are a frequent evening occurrence here, and Mr. Yeti looks quite cozy sitting atop the gossip bench I upcycled last year.   

Cryptids are pretty popular in our house, and I fell in love with these smaller yeti figurines LAST year, but by the time I went to buy them they were sold out. When they came back this year, I ordered them within the week... yep I was THAT girl, Christmas shopping in September. They look ever so sweet with the tiny sweet shops I found in the Target dollar spot last year, and add a fun playful display to the top of the tiny console we built from a pair of $20 desktop drawer units from IKEA.

 

With a kitten tearing about the house swiping things from surfaces, we chose to keep our fireplace/tv-stand very simple with tiny stockings attached via Command hooks. Personally, I love the simple look here!

 

Between the kitchen and dining room, our cabinets have a built-in display niche. This has always been a favorite place to display larger seasonal goodies. 

I found these tinsel trees on clearance last year, and the blowmold penguin jumped into my cart this year as I was on my way to the dog food. Where we live, outdoor decorations don't work well between the extreme temperatures and thieves... but this was the perfect way to bring that midcentury feel to our house without worrying about it disappearing! 

(and my daughter absolutely adores penguins!) 

   

This sweet snowman is another favorite piece that's been in our house for quite awhile now. It is on the SUPER skinny table we built to go behind our sofa, as a coffee-table substitute. 

 

I WOULD put this on the table as a centerpiece... but Berlioz has informed us he is the only table decoration we need. It's his afternoon napping-spot, and so far I have been unable to convince him that a soft rug in the sunspot on the floor would be a better option. So on the end of the kitchen counter these adorable deer sit in a snowy little lantern. I found them on clearance last winter, and the dollar-spot trees from THIS Christmas were the perfect finishing-touch. 

 It is SO bright and SO festive in here... and yes, the bright colors are starting to grow on me. 

This is our happy home.

 

Thankful for 2020

I am thankful for 2020. 

It sounds crazy because this year has been SO hard in SO many ways, but I am... I'm thankful for this year. Not for the pandemic that's beyond terrifying. Not for the racial issues that fester like an ugly cancer on our country. And not for the ongoing political migraine that defies logical comprehension. But I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for the time with my kids. This year we have played more board games and Mario Cart than ever before. We've listened to radio dramas and watched chick flicks. We've walked around lakes, picnicked in the living room away from the mosquitoes, created an in-home arcade to celebrate absolutely nothing, and laughed for no reason at all. 

Christmas happened in July, and Halloween was spent in our bathrobes. Our weekly movie and game nights have become the high-points in our lives and taken on a life of their own. We've stayed home because it was necessary, but we were never "stuck" here... we've made the best of things, spending the time enjoying just being together, and I wouldn't take that back for anything. 

I am thankful for Berlioz. Discovered under our house on July 9th, was an abandoned 7-week old underweight mite-infested kitten. After a week of trying to find him a home, we realized WE were the home he had chosen... and we needed him as much as he needed us. 

This tiny frightened baby is now a sleek 6 month old adolescent who naps on the dining room table, shreds boxes for our recycling bin, and absolutely lives for chin-rubs and napping on our feet. He has turned our world upside-down, showing us that we don't need decorations below shoulder-height, computer keyboards are for standing on rather than typing, and that if we walk past the chaise our ankles are forfeit.

The dog still growls at him and will rush him any time they are together, but at nearly 13 years old - we are letting her be grouchy. She sleeps most of the day now anyway, so we have given her space away from him where she can snooze in silence. We continue supervised  introductions, and whenever he gets the chance Berlioz will boop her nose with a clawless-paw or nibble at her ear... we honestly don't know if he's trying to be friendly or simply enjoys making her growl, but either way he hasn't tried to hurt her and is clearly curious about the fluffy white growly-thing. 

He arrived in our life filling a hole we didn't know we had, just when we needed him most... and has become an integral part of our little family. 

And... I am thankful for safety. For our silver anniversary, I gave myself a gift: the gift of freedom from an abusive husband. For 7 months now I have slept in my bed feeling safe, we are free to see the doctor when we need to, and our bills have been paid before their due-date so we no longer live with constant bill-collectors threatening to take away our home. 

I am taking my mother's maiden name. It is also the name of my Scottish clan, and seemed the most fitting as I am not returning to my childhood, but am now someone else; someone with deep roots, who is stronger because of her past. 

For 25 years I stayed silent, praying he would become the man he promised to be. For 25 years, I lived with multiple forms of abuse and a husband unwilling to stop hurting his family. The story is long and complicated, but this year I am thankful for the crisis center who helped us break free, for the pro-bono lawyer who is helping with my divorce, and most of all - the feeling of security I have knowing that when I lock the front door each night, I have not locked us in with what made us unsafe.

2020 has been hard. I miss seeing people. I miss visiting the zoo every week. I miss being able to browse the dollar spot at Target in a leisurely manner. But I am thankful for 2020... because it gave us time to be a family together, it gave us our sweet little Berlioz, and it gave us freedom & safety. 

Yes, I am thankful for 2020.

It's the Great 25th Birthday, Charlie Brown

 

Most people probably imagine a sophisticated 25th birthday. 

My son is not most people. 

He kicks autism's butt on a daily basis, and most people don't even know he struggles. Sure, he will always need help with random things, and yes we've had our share of struggles of frustrations. Every once in awhile however, it shows up in the oddest of hilariously unexpected ways, and THIS is what we choose to focus on.

One way that it manifests, is in truly not caring about his own birthday. He loves celebrating his sister's birthday, and goes absolutely CRAZY as self-appointed point-man for Christmas decorations, but couldn't care less about his own birthday. Asking him how he would like to celebrate tends to result in shoulder-shrugs, eyerolls, and a mumbled, "meh... whatever..." Two years ago, all he said was "mangoes." So he had a mango birthday, with mango-themed meals and desserts, mango paper-lanterns, a mango tee-shirt... since he rarely requests anything EVEN for his birthday, when he gives me even a single word I'll run with it. 

This year when I asked him what he wanted to do for his 25th birthday, keeping in mind that we're still keeping distant... he said he wanted to watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. 

Challenge accepted, Little Man... challenge accepted. 

I started by finishing a project that has been on my to-do list for two years; creating a pumpkin diorama. I purchased the pumpkin two years ago, and the Linus figurine a year ago. A little moss, a few miniature dollhouse goodies and some x-acto work with foamboard & gilitter, and we had a cute pumpkin that will come out every year now. 

I found a Snoopy wall decoration to go over our television, and some paper plates & napkins that were perfect. 

For dinner, we picked up a pair of cheese pizzas from our favorite gluten-free take-and-bake shop, and added black olives to mimic Charlie Brown's zig-zag shirt before baking them. 

With our furnace not working properly, we all curled up under "Linus Blankets" and watched the movie while noshing on pizza, and his requested apple crisp with vanilla ice cream. 

 It was a small birthday, but that's the way my guy rolls. He loved it, which is what counts. 

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

 

My Faerie Tale Wardrobe

I first read the Narnia chronicles in the early 1980s, and have read them every winter since. I have peeked in hundreds of wardrobes, and daydreamed about having tea with Reepicheep for decades. I have always said that if I was ever lucky enough to own a wardrobe, I would paint the interior to look like Narnia. 

About a year ago I picked up a secondhand IKEA children's wardrobe. It's small, but deep enough for standard adult hangers. It holds my clothes, my outerwear, my shoes and purses, my makeup and jewelry... absolutely everything I wear fits in here, and I love how easy it is to get to my things when a drawer would be too much for my arthritic fingers to maneuver. It was more functional than "fun," but it suited my needs perfectly. But that pea-soup green? Oh my, YUCK!

 Knowing that I planned to remove the back anyway it was easy to decide to paint the exterior, but a simple coat of paint would never do for the doors to Narnia. I wanted something special. After months of contemplating, Pinterest surfing, window-shopping online stores, and waiting for sale prices I finally had everything I needed to transform my "blah" little wardrobe into a fulfilled childhood fantasy. I would paint the outside to be a meadow before the distant Misty Mountains of Middle Earth from my other favorite childhood books;  also in tatters from being read every autumn since my girlhood days.  

I began by emptying the wardrobe and removing the back, the hanging bar, the shelves, and all shelf-supports. By the end of the first day I had a single coat of paint on the wardrobe frame.

It took "FOREVER" to finish the painting with all five colors, but after a week I had finally finished adding ombre cubbyhole and shoe shelves, and 7 layers of the Misty Mountains of Middle Earth to the doors. FINALLY it was time to add my stickers. 

On the doors, I added a set of flower wall stickers found on Amazon to simulate the meadows of Middle Earth. I love how they turned out, and how peaceful the closet now looked. 

The flower stickers came with a few extras, which I put on the right-hand side since that side of the wardrobe doubles as my headboard. It's a small touch, but it looks oh so sweet.

When I removed the back for painting, it evaporated. I discovered later that the original finishing-nails had been replaced by 1" ring-shank nails, but had planned from the beginning on replacing it with panelboard for strength and durability. Once the doors and shelves were reattached, I picked up a panel of Eucaboard from Home Depot, then cut a door-mural found on Etsy down to size, and added still more paint to finish the back.

It took me two weeks from start to finish since I worked on this as a side-project. But the finished wardrobe is absolutely everything I could have possibly imagined. The soft purples, the mountains, the flowers, the forest... absolutely everything was exactly like I'd pictured it. 

Now that everything is put back, my tiny corner is officially my cozy little happy place. From my tiny comfy slipper chair with the birch tree ambient light and my little art nouveau wall planter full of wildflowers, to the soft delicate colors, baskets, and spinning organizer for my jewelry and makeup... everything here is perfect for my needs, and looks like I stepped into my two favorite faerie tales. 

It was absolutely worth 37 years of waiting for this dream to come true.