Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year's Eve

I am sitting here thinking about the past year, wondering what to share.

I COULD tell you how in July I lost the the ability to put on my own shoes or walk 50 feet without needing to rest. I COULD tell you how over the past three months we learned that my husband has a hernia, and three of us have degenerative heart conditions. I COULD tell you about visiting 25-30 doctors each month and our enormous medical payment schedule, or how our car is trying to die for the 4th time this year. And if I were writing this just one month ago - that's what I would share.

This is not about the past few months. This post is about  where I am RIGHT NOW. Right now, before dinnertime today, I have walked 5769 steps. That's at LEAST 300% more than I could have managed a month ago. Right now, I am getting ready to battle my kids in a Just Dance competition until midnight... or until I collapse. A month ago I wouldn't have bothered trying. Right now, I have two kids who are determined to graduate together, this coming summer. My son has a plan for his future, and is working towards it. My daughter has a plan for her future, and is working towards it. I couldn't be more proud of them. Right now, my husband is at work for a company that he feels good working for - with BETTER health benefits than we had at his white collar job of 16 years. Words can't express how much happier he is, and I couldn't be happier for him.

This year, I have lost 40 pounds... meaning I am quite literally 80% of who I was a year ago. That makes me Wonder Woman. With the help of six daily supplements, four separate therapists, and bullheaded determination,  I have fought to be able to walk half of the local zoo without a cane. That makes me Wonder Woman. I have wrestled with the fear of next year's open heart surgery - and I am packing a Wonder Woman shirt because I WILL BE Wonder Woman.

I am not as strong as I was a year ago. I do not have the stamina I had a year ago. There are things I can no longer do, that I thought I was decades from losing. For every day that I am active, I spend the next day on the couch. My hair is thinner, but so is my waistline. My energy is sporadic, but my determination is resolved. I will never fully escape the wheelchair again, but I can be "hell on wheels" as I learn to wheelie in the all-terrain wheelchair I'm saving for, when I need it.

At the beginning of 2015, I chose a word of focus and intent. That word was "persevere". For 2016 my word is... MORE. For the coming year, my goal is to BE more, DO more, FIGHT more, and BELIEVE in myself more.

I just bought myself a pair of walking shoes... something I never thought I would be able to justify again. These are my MORE shoes. May they fall apart from the MORE I have planned for 2016.

Happy New Year!