My Itty Bitty Dressing Table

Over the past fifteen years, I have tried to make the smaller spaces in our home more useful. One space I have recently claimed for myself, is a strip of wall between the closet and bathroom doors in the large bedroom. This space is only 27" wide, but has become a perfect little dressing table. 

I fell in love with the most beautiful compact vanity table, but its $500 price tag was FAR too high to consider. And it would have stuck into the room by a full 18", which would have been a daily tripping hazard for clumsy little me. I must have hunted Pinterest for two full years, combing through ideas for everything from an upcycled vintage suitcase, to a bookcase. I knew what I needed, but couldn't find anything quite right. This space needed to house all of my makeup, a lighted magnifying mirror, my contact lens supplies, and everything from my hairbrush and perfume, to barrettes and jewelry. Everything needed to be close at hand, neatly organized... and of course, I wanted it to be pretty. 

A chance find while hunting for tea storage was the perfect beginning. I found a pair of shelves, each one only 12.5" long, on sale for $18. They're tiny, but well made. And since they only come out 5" from the wall, they're not in the way at all! 

My mirror tilts, and I hung the shelves just high enough so it can be used either sitting or standing... which comes in handy for quick contact fixes, as well as attempting to apply eye-shadow without stabbing myself. (I am NOT coordinated in the LEAST when it comes to makeup!) The top two drawers hold moisturizers, lip balms, and makeup, while the bottom three are for all of my jewelry and hair accessories. I chose a tree to keep my necklaces from tangling, and to add sparkle. The itty bitty stool opens to hold my finger splints, lotion, eye-care, detangling spray, and various other things that are needed, but don't quite fit within the tiny drawers. Once everything was in place, I I surrounded the shelves with tiny sparkly picture frames, for photos of the strong women from my family. 

This tiny space is now one of my happy places. I may not spend long here, but it's used every day, and the photos make me smile every time I pass by.

My Hygge-Day Cart

 One of the issues with EDS or any chronic disease, is the finite energy we have in a day. Getting dressed takes energy. Making meals takes energy. Getting in & out of a bath takes energy. And unlike a normal person, my energy is acutely limited. Some days I have a little more, and that's when chores get done. Other days I stay in my PJs and do little more than plan the next week's menus and make appointments. There is an amazing article that describes this energy juggling perfectly, RIGHT HERE.

Counting spoons is mentally exhausting. After decades of counting I tend to have a good idea how many spoons I have for the day by lunchtime, but things still happen. Some days I just need to get things done and "steal" my spoons from the next day, and as my body continues it's slow downward spiral I am spending more days than I'd like to admit, confined to the sofa. 

These down days, when even getting dressed takes more energy than I can manage, I try to think of as hygge days. Hygge is described as "a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being." So rather than feeling sorry for myself, I enjoy quiet activities that give me something to look forward to, rather than dreading my enforced days of rest.

To keep many of the things I'll want on hygge days at hand, I have put together a pretty little rolling cart that can travel from bedside, to sofa, to reading chair. As my needs change I'll need to update what's on my cart, but for now it's streamlined towards being able to get a few things done, and quiet restful activities I can do when my arthritis/pain/migraine/tummy/lack of energy is in full grumpiness.

On the top shelf is: my journal Bible, my current devotional books, my current recreational reading, and my journal.

I also have a small caddy for my planner and planner stickers, various pens, pencils, and Crayola Twistables, and sticky notes.

There are also my reading glasses, a microwaveable lavender-stuffed heated owl stuffie, my tea "sippy cup," (unbreakable and spill-resistant) ginger mints, lemon drops, and a pair of LED candles.

The middle shelf holds my colored pencils and brush markers, and hand lotion. I also have my new watercolor pencils, a set of coloring books, and the family binder here.

The family binder is where I keep to-do lists, shopping lists, weekly menus, cleaning schedules, holiday ideas... I like to think of it as my portable brain, because if it needs to get done or is a project in the works that requires more room than my tiny portable planner, it's in the binder.

The middle shelf also holds three small canisters, and in these are: my Gelatos, washi tape, pencil lead & sharpener, eraser & scissors, lip balm, inhaler, and my tablet's charging cord.

The bottom shelf holds a super soft throw blanket, my neck pillow, two pair of fat fluffy socks, and an itty bitty pushpin board I can use as a portable war room.

The war room still exists within the master bedroom closet, but that is slowly becoming a sound studio for my daughter. I am also finding that I do most of my praying first thing in the morning before she's awake, and don't want to wake her up rustling about. So this tiny pinboard now holds my current prayers wherever I am, rather than stuck to the wall in the closet. I've even brought it out to pray in the garden a few times!

As my needs change, I will need to update what's on my cart. There will likely come a day when it holds more medical supplies than coloring utensils. But for now, this is everything I need to keep from going stir-crazy, while learning not to resent spending the time my body needs to rest and heal itself.

One Year Ago Today

 

One year ago today I slept in my bed, safe for the first time in over 25 years. One year ago today, my husband moved out of our home.

 

I never wanted this anniversary. Christian women are supposed to be eternally forgiving. We are supposed to be ridding ourselves from the log in our own eye rather than pointing out the speck in our husband's eye. We vow for better AND WORSE, and we vow until death. 

The Bible doesn't say what to do if the person you vowed to spend your entire life with constantly uses you and your body for their wants while blatantly trampling on your own needs and health. It says to pray for those who persecute you. It says to forgive seventy-times-seven times. It says to love unconditionally. And to the best of my ability, that is what I did for decades, constantly re-forgiving and refusing to complain lest I become the quarrelsome wife so hideously described throughout Proverbs.

 

When you've counted to 490 (that's 70x7, thanks VeggieTales!) literally thousands of times, when you've begged and pleaded for basic needs like clothing and medical care, when the only thing keeping you from being attacked in your bed is becoming a monster yourself and physically threatening another human being, and when you've hidden behind the closet door that is still broken from the first time you dared to say NO and were violently attacked while still healing from childbirth... when you've done all this, continually praying and self-searching for what you did to cause these things to happen, doing anything you can to prevent it from happening again, and begging simply for the abuse to stop... after decades of being abused while not saying a word to anyone for fear of slandering the one who is abusing you, something finally snaps. 

 

I married a narcissist. Out of survival and trauma-bonding, I learned codependency. For decades I stayed silent - and even lied about my happiness & safety - while praying that my husband would become who he vowed to be, and not wanting to damage his reputation. But I am tired of trying to heal on my own, and cannot heal without sharing. So this is the tiniest portion of my story. It is mine to share.

 

For 25 years I poured my heart, soul, time, attention, and love into someone who only cared about their own wants. 

 

For 21 years I was not allowed access to finances while my name was on bills that went unpaid, and I was lied to whenever I asked about anything concerning money. 

 

For 20 years I begged, pleaded, nagged, and yelled for him to speak with his daughter - to form a basic relationship with the human being he helped to create. 

 

For 11 years I slept on the couch, to keep from being violated while I slept. 

 

For 10 years we lived without health insurance more often than we had it, incapable of being seen for our life-threatening health issues, because financial irresponsibility, secrecy, and lies were more important than basic decency. Not once or twice, but THREE TIMES while being told there was no money to clear our medical bills so we could be seen at the clinic, my husband purchased a vehicle for his sole use. 

 

For 5 years I sought help from multiple outside sources. 

 

After all this, I offered one final plea. Get help to stop hurting your wife, speak with your daughter, and stop lying. If these three basic human needs are not fulfilled, I would leave. I waited an entire year, still praying for change and to save my vows. Literally nothing happened. The day he moved out, he lied to me. He still has not had a single conversation with his 21 year old daughter, and only knows the most basic of details about his 25 year old son. 

On our 25th anniversary, I sought help from a crisis center. Two months later, he moved out. Fourteen months later our divorce is still not finalized, because COVID has slowed the court systems to a halt. But my healing has begun.

Thanks to COVID I have had a year to try and heal on my own, while counselors and therapists could not take on new patients. I can train myself to recognize what happened and how I missed the warning signs. I can unlearn codependency.... and some day, I may forgive myself for allowing a quarter-century of abuse rather than breaking a vow that had already been shattered. I am not there yet. 

 

This is my story. 

 

It is mine to share. It is not finished. But there will be a happy ending, someday. 

 

A Narnian New Year

Something I have wanted to do for years now, is celebrate a Narnian New Year... where everything is snowy white, glistening with glitter and just a touch of childlike wonder. After the decade that was 2020, it seemed right to begin this adventure in 2021.

Because of COVID scheduling issues, getting our kitten neutered happened JUST before Christmas. And because we tried two types of E-collars and he flopped about like an alligator in a death-roll with one, and was choking himself on the other... we felt it wisest to simply stay with him 24/7 and keep him from licking his surgical site ourselves. So the three of us have spent nearly two weeks now taking day and nighttime shifts closed off in a single bedroom, stripped of everything climbable or that could be hidden underneath/behind. 

How bad can two weeks of shift-sleeping be, we asked ourselves? The answer is:

PRETTY

DARN

BAD!

We are all exhausted. We opened our Christmas gifts quickly while taking turns holding a wriggling kitten still doped on kitty-morphine, and as of today we still have three more nights of sleeplessness ahead of us... NOW spent with a kitty who has been fully awake and aware that he is incarcerated against his will in a room of nothing-fun-to-do, and is grumpily trying to escape whenever he gets the chance. Monday can NOT come soon enough for us! We're ALL ready to put our rooms and lives back together, and get a full night's sleep! 

Between Berlioz needing constant supervision and the fact that my son worked both NYE and New Year's Day... we decided to postpone our annual game & movie all-nighter until next week. We have white foods and treats planned, and a small stack of games ready... but we're waiting until we can actually enjoy the evening all together. 

For decorations, we started by putting all wintry-white ornaments on our Christmas tree with seven glittery lions, and bringing two LED-birch trees out from the girls' bedroom where they were being used as ambient lighting. 

We kept our Christmas wreath on the front door, and hung giant sparkling snowflakes from a white garland along the ceiling between the living room and kitchen/dining room.   

 An all-white bird from Target's seemingly endless supply of seasonal bird figurines and a pair of decorative window-frames stand in the alcove between the kitchen and dining room.

For the dining room table, we took our white lantern and filled it with acrylic "ice" and two tiny Waldorf dolls my sister made for me nearly two decades ago. 

And atop the console by the front door, we placed a family of white deer and a pair of white felt trees. 

The only complicated part, was deciding what to do about a lamp post. Purchasing one may happen in the future, but for this year to save money I decided to make one with what I had on hand. 

With a leftover sheet of foamboard, plenty of glitter, a bit of parchment paper, and several hours with a ruler, craft blade, and hot glue I managed to create a lamp post lampshade for the turquoise table lamp near the front door. 

2020 was insane. Our New Year's celebration is on hold, and we are all in need of a proper night's sleep. But our house is glistening, and does look just a bit Narnian. 

The winter of 2020 is ending. 

Spring is coming.